lost Few and far between. I don't normally write in here, but for some reason I wanted to hide this away to look back on months from now just to wonder why I bothered writing it at all. I don't know how many times I can kill the story about my mother. Everytime I talk I feel like I'm going on and on about how she's ruining my life. But she isn't. I am. She's not making it easy, but I'm the one giving up. I put things off, skip important classes, meetings, etc. I'm not working because I chose to completely blow off a great favor Rachel did for me. And...I blew off Rachel, a great friend. Awesome. I drink entirely too much. I spend too much money. I don't sleep when I should, and if I spent half the time I spend online and watching TV studying, I'd probably be at the top of my class. Which is strange, because I used to really like being at the top of my class. Sure, I wasn't the smartest, I was barely in the top 20. I thrived on my good grades. On getting comments back on papers about how well thought out they were. On going to meetings for all the clubs I was in, on going to cheerleading practice and working my body until I was toned and tight and in pain and completely satisfied. Instead, I get emotionally attached to the unrealistic. Not that I don't love my boyfriend, because honestly I can't even explain how much I care about him. But it's unfair what I've been doing to him. Calling him all hours of the night completely drunk off my ass, complaining about my life, my friends, my family, my debt. Making him listen to every single detail about my life. I'm pretty sure he doesn't need to know about the Parkview boys' spring break trip, he doesn't even know who they are. But I can't help it. I need to call him and tell him every little thing because he's not here to do them with me. And it almost makes me go insane. It makes my heart hurt. So I'll drink more, sleep more, watch more movies or TV. ALL THE TIME. I still haven't really studied or done anything productive. Instead I've watched Batman Begins, hung out with Mel for almost 2 and a half hours, and then watched Election. Now here I am worrying about what I'm going to do about my life. I met a girl who dropped out of college two weeks ago. It seemed like she didn't have anything to worry about. I wonder what it would be like if I just gave up. If I just stopped caring about anything. It's pretty easy to ignore my laundry, my dirty dishes, showering, homework, bills, food, life. Can I just stop? Just until I think my head can handle it? I don't know how to deal with everything that's been eating away at me. Worries that everything will come crashing down. I think if I did a search in all of diary and journal entries, "come crashing down" "running away" and "giving up" would come up as my most used phrases. But it's never felt like this. It's never felt like something is pulling my heart out of my chest. I don't have the courage to deal with my mother. I don't have the courage to own up for my mistakes this semester. I don't have to courage to apologize to Burger King. I don't have the courage to hold everyone's secrets inside. I don't have the courage to hold my own. I don't have the courage to truly explain this to anyone, although I try everytime I open my mouth. Bile is rising up in my throat. It's like everything has just been building up for so long I don't know how to take it anymore. No one will ever understand exactly what's going on, because I don't even think I know. I'm not me. I'm just not. I used to have people I could go to when I felt like I wasn't being me anymore, but they aren't who they were either. Everyone's been changing so much I'm not even sure who to rely on anymore. And no one really needs my stress anyway. They have their own. I'm so incredibly selfish. I think I'm really sick. I don't know. I can't ever remember feeling so lost. I've always been able to be the strong one. Even when I let boys make me weak and girls hurt my ego, I've been able to keep my head up and keep myself together enough to get through whatever the world threw my way. But this time, it's like the universe is pulling all the stops. I can't be this depressed confused person. I know what that will do to my relationship with Whitey, I've been there before. I know what my weakness will do to someone I care about so much. Because instead of telling him everything, I'll stop telling him anything at all. My baggage is so heavy at this point I could fill twenty u-hauls. I don't usually cry when I'm sober unless I'm fighting with someone. Sometimes a movie will really get me, but the most that'll ever happen is that I'll have a few tears, blow my nose, and I'll be done. But right now I feel like I could cry for days and days and not stop. Just cry until I have nothing left. Do I have anything left? I have a lot of good people, good opportunities. But I don't know if inside myself I have anything. I used to say I was just Riss. That there was something about who I was that one short phrase could sum up a laundry list of qualities that all added up to me. I think I still have a list. But I don't think it describes me as much as it reminds me of how much of a failure I've become. How much I HAVEN'T learned from previous mistakes. I like to blame people for things I can't understand about myself. Family, ex-boyfriends, financial situations, friends. I like to pretend that nothing that's happened has ever been because of me, but because of things everyone else has done to me or because of me. Running in circles will never get me away... I miss you. I was able to put you out of my mind before when I felt like this...but I've gotten so much weaker in the past few months. I'm not sure how to handle myself anymore. I'm not sure how to handle anything. On April 14, 2008 at 3:05 am. |